Can I kill you?

I'm not in the best state of mind at the moment. A crazy shocking unbelievable email surfaced at my inbox yesterday and I'm pretty much still in disbelief. I was beyond angry at first, and I just didn't know how to let my anger out. I wanted to cry but no matter how hard I tried, there were only small amount of tears came out. What is happening to me? Am I built like a brick wall now? Yikes!

But that email answered so many questions that I've been asking God to help me out. People say truth speaks itself one day, and no doubt it hurts like shit. Excuse me for my language but working in this field "enhanced" my vocabulary now. hoho.

I couldn't sleep well last night. Was awake in the middle of the night, thinking and more thinking. And today I was no doubt late for my shift! But, luckily I have this wonderful company man onboard who helped to comfort me last night before I went to bed so he understood my situation. Yeah, I burst into tears right on his shoulder..... *shame on me*

I'm not gonna tell you what that email was about. It's something for me to know and for you not to know. Well, some knew and that was considered as "unlucky" people who had to listen to my never ending sad stories. Sorry y'all. I'll try not to talk too much on this stupid crazy thing anymore.

I wanted to reply with a very long mean email back but if I ever did that, it will give a temporary relief to me. And I'm pretty much sure that I'll wake up tomorrow feeling sorry and sad again. Oh my, why do I have such a soft and biggggggg heart? Not that it's a bad thing, but sometimes being TOO nice really kills me. Or probably crushed since I'm still very much alive and kicking.

This is the gazillion times I say this. Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger. But whatever comes after this, will also be hell difficult. I've deleted few posts in this blog so that will give you some gist of the email content.

Now, I need to focus on what I should do next. I know I have to leave all this shit behind and move on. I have so many things to explore in front of me. I have a wonderful beautiful life experience, minus the shitty parts. I just hope I'll be wiser after this. And please GOD, can I have less challenging life episode after this?? Please, please, please????

Okay now I feel much better. Yes, writing does help. And shouting and screaming would probably help too but I'm trying with a different approach now. Hello, you're about to turn 28 this year so please be wiser and calmer!!! (that's a note to myself okay, not you!)

I better go and have a long (free) hot shower and try to get some sleep. If I still can't have a good deep sleep tonight, I'd probably get some sleeping pill from the doctor. Huh? Please please please sleep soundly hunny!!! Those drugs are no good~

I love myself. I really do. If you don't love me as much as I do, that's your problem. I don't bloody care. It's your loss, not mine. (sorry, I think I'm a bit retarded now, and yeah that title goes without saying).

*cheers*